The Case of the Marauders' Sexualities
by FallenMystery
Summary: Everyone wonders... are the infamous Marauders GAY? Well that's what the Court is here to find out. The defendants: Prongs, Moony, and Padfoot. The evidence: screaming fangirls, slash posters, and Sirius' Big Book of Shagging. This Court will now commence


"I, Judge Samantha Minos, will now hear the joint case concerning the sexualities of one Mr. James Potter, one Mr. Remus Lupin, and one Mr. Sirius Black. Will the defendants please step forward and plead their cases?"

"Mr. James Potter pleads _not gay,"_ James said, stepping forward. His hands were tucked firmly in his pockets in an attempt to keep them away from his hair.

"Mr. Remus Lupin also pleads _not gay,"_ Remus said firmly, coming to stand beside James.

"Padfoot is totally _not gay,"_ Sirius yawned, sauntering forward.

I nodded, surveying the four. "Your pleads are heard. Now will Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black be seated? Mr. Potter, please take the stand."

With his trademarked arrogance, James stepped forward. "Your honor."

I flipped open his folder and scanned it. "Mr. Potter, you have pleaded not gay, is that correct?" I asked as I quickly read over some of his case.

"Yes."

"What evidence do you have to support this claim?" I asked, watching him closely. James grinned his crooked grin and ran a hand through his hair. _"Besides_ your evident charm, Mr. Potter."

"I was getting to that part, I swear," he assured me. "Case in point, your honor, I married the lovely Lily Evans—now Lily Potter, actually—and we had a son, Harry Potter. A son who is most definitely mine. If you've seen him, there is no doubt as to who his father is."

I flipped through the file a little more, and sure enough, found a picture of James, Harry, and Lily. Certainly no question as to the parentage, there. "All right, said definition is indeed accurate. Any other proof?"

"Psh, try the millions of girls he dated at Hogwarts," Sirius sang out. "I'm sure _they_ can tell you he's not gay."

"Mr. Black, please control yourself in my Courtroom," I said mildly, looking out at the handsome Marauder.

He just laughed bawdily. "Sam—can I call you Sam, babe?—that _was_ me controlling myself. Otherwise I might have rather said something along the lines of 'Just ask the Hogwarts broom cupboards' _Or_ the Hogwarts whores."

I took a deep breath and willed myself to patience. "Mr. Black, first of all, please do not refer to me as Sam in my Courtroom. Second of all, stop talking. Just sit there and look cute for the fangirls, kay?"

Sirius smiled prettily. "All right. Then can I call you Sam later?"

"No."

"But last night you said—"

"MR. BLACK! Quiet before I close your case!" He pursed his lips poutily and sat back down. "Mr. Potter?"

"Well, I could provide witnesses…" Tons of girls in the back of the room leapt to their feet, raising their hands and shrieking.

"Oh, I snogged J—"

"—used chocolate sauce—"

"I snogged him in a broomcupbo—"

"—and whipped cream—"

"—in the Common Ro—"

"—with handcuffs—"

"—on McGonagall's desk—"

"I snogged him in the dungeo—"

"We'll always have the astronomy tower, Jamesie!"

"ORDER IN THE COURT!" I shouted, attempting to quiet down my hellish courtroom. Silence fell abruptly and I scowled at James. "I don't need witnesses for this trial, thank you. Although that was rather informative." I winced. "Anything else?"

James shrugged. "Only other thing I can tell you is that I'm possibly the only person in the world not listed in Sirius' Little Black Book."

"I'm in there!"

"I signed my name—"

"—like fifteen times—"

"—we used handcuffs, too—"

"—psh, we _broke_ those—"

"—_I_ used my own—"

"We got chocolate on that Book—"

"Hah, we got _honey_ on—"

"ENOUGH!" I bellowed, fuming. "Or I'll have security escort you out!" They all quieted and sat down meekly. "Well then, Mr. Potter, if you have nothing left to say, please be seated. Mr. Lupin, will you come to the front?"

Remus made his way forward, stumbling as Sirius stuck his foot out in front of his friend. Black snickered and Lupin smacked him upside the head. "Your honor," he said at last, standing straight and proper in front of me.

"Now, Mr. Lupin," I sighed, playing with my gavel. "You pleaded not gay as well. What do you have to support your case?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "I married Nymphadora Tonks and had a child."

"But prior to this woman, you'd never had a romantic relationship with a woman?"

He cleared his throat. "No."

"_I _would have—"

"You just needed the love of a good woman—"

"What, like _you?"_

"You're just jealous because I got James _and_ Sirius—"

"Hah, you're _nothing_ to them—"

I silenced the girls with a glare and continued as if I'd never been interrupted. "Yet you gave a persuasively long rant in the third movie about how Lily Evans was the only person who was ever there for you—even though Mr.'s Potter, Black, and Pettigrew became _Animagi_ to help you during the full moons, is that correct?"

The Marauders glared at their friend, and Remus nervously tugged at his tie. "That is correct. Nymphadora is the only person who I have ever felt—ah—_that way_ about."

"That's not what you told _me!"_ Sirius shouted suddenly. "You said _I_ was the best thing to ever happen to you! Remember? After that night? Don't betray me like this, Remie!"

My Courtroom burst into excited, startled chaos. Again.

"That's _so hot!"_

"I told you they were like that!"

"God, I wish I had that on tape!"

"I'd buy it!"

"Threesome!"

Meanwhile, Remus was attempting to defend himself.

"I was drunk!"

"Moony, how could you!" Sirius wailed. "You lie!"

"What's going on?" James demanded, his voice cracking. "Sirius, Remus, what's this all about?"

"Sirius, I told you never to talk about it again! Especially in public, ESPECIALLY while we're trying to prove to the entire fanfic world that we are NOT GAY!"

"We had a connection, Remie. You can't deny that with words!"

Finally understanding, James stared, horror-struck, at his friends. "Oh my god. You're poofs." Remus put his head in his hands.

"Order! Order in the Court!" I snapped, tapping my gavel. When the noise died down, I scowled at Sirius. "Mr. Black, did you or did you not plead straight at the beginning of this trial?"

"Oh, I definitely did," he assured me flippantly, tossing his perfect hair.

"Then what are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying that Remie and I have had some _intimate_ moments in our lives, and I'd hate for him to throw it all away in a single careless remark." I stared at him for a long minute. "Come on, you've _got_ to know how many Moony-Padfoot slash fans there are out there. Wouldn't want to disappoint them, would we?"

(brief movie clip of campaigning Moony-Padfoot slash fans, parading around with posters that say "Moony and Padfoot can be _my_ lovers, too!" and "Werewolf/Giant Black Dog love 4evr" and "RLSB Slash all the way!")(fangirls drool, imagining said slashness)

I rubbed my temples. "I'll allow it, just this once, in honor of the slash fans. Remus, as you were saying?"

He picked up his head, looking quite a bit paler. "Ah. Definitely straight. Love Nymphadora. Had a child with her. Don't like men." Sirius huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"But that's the only evidence you have?" I looked at the fangirls who were—for once—silent.

"Yes, your honor."

"Girls, do you have anything to add?"

"Uh, well, I think everyone secretly fantasizes Remus and Sirius together, so…"

"WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY, SIRIUS!"

"Sorry, Remie. You pushed too many of us away."

"I would have snogged you in Hogwarts—"

"—but you're Sirius' now."

"So sad, and yet so hot."

Remus had turned a strange shade of white, but was still somehow blushing. "Oh shit."

"Are you sure you don't want to provide any more evidence?" He shook his head miserably. "And you realize that you now have the claim of Mr. Black against you?"

He threw a scowl over his shoulder at Sirius, who made a kissy-face at him. Red-faced, Remus shrugged. "All I can say is that I am _definitely_ not gay."

With dread, I realized what was coming next. Sirius. With a long-suffering sigh, I folded my arms over my chest. "Very well, Mr. Lupin. Please have a seat. Mr. Black, please present yourself before the Court."

Sirius flounced in the chair and set down a giant black book in front of me. It landed with a heavy _thump._ Seriously—the thing's freakin' enormous. It's like a mongo-dictionary. "What the f—k is this, Mr. Black?" I asked.

"That," he said proudly, "is my Big Book of Shagging."

"Your what?" I asked flatly.

"James calls it my Little Black Book. He seems to find the name 'the Big Book of Shagging' barbaric and crude."

"But what _is_ it?" I wanted to know, a little wary. But not nearly wary enough.

"Everyone I've ever shagged, arranged alphabetically and by hair color, with their signatures to prove that I'm not making it up."

Not believing my eyes, I flipped the book open to the section labeled _Ash-Brunettes._ "What are the roman numerals to the right supposed to indicate?" I asked distantly, seriously gob-smacked. I mean, I'm not joking. The thing was freakin' huge, and the handwriting was practically miniscule.

"How many times I've shagged the person," he told me smugly.

Holy f—k. Oh. Oh my god. _"Remus Lupin?"_ I demanded, shocked.

Sirius grinned. "Told you we were intimate."

"It was only once!" Remus insisted, jumping to his feet. "I was drunk! I—"

"Mr. Lupin, it says here that you and Mr. Black have shagged approximately 99 times, and your signature is next to it, clear as day." Fangirls all over the world are dying inside. Except, apparently, the ones in my courtroom.

Remus groaned in defeat, sinking back into his chair.

I looked to Sirius. "He didn't want to break a hundred," he explained. I nodded like I understood.

I turned a few more pages to the left. "Amos Diggory?"

Sirius shrugged. "He sort of consoled me when Remus wasn't up to it."

"174 times!"

"I was lonely a lot. My parents disowned me, remember?"

That _so_ calls for an internal facepalm.

I flipped to the section for _Raven_ and casually flipped through it. Nope, no James Potter. A little more cautious scanning proved that there was no Lily Evans, either. The majority of the hotties in the Wizarding World _did_ seem to be there, though. I tried to inconspicuously scratch my own name out, but the thing seemed tamper-proof. Damn. Oh well, no big deal, right? Right. Riiiiiiiiiight.

Holy mother of god, my name is in something called "the Big Book of Shagging." Lots of my relatives are rolling over in their graves. The rest are laughing their decaying asses off.

"Ah, I don't believe the Court needs any more evidence."

Sirius smirked. "Well, how about this?"

(Astonished, jaw-dropped herald takes over as Samantha and Sirius stagger out the Courtroom, locked at the lips)

"Um, why don't we take a break while the judge, ah… decides the verdict?"

.xXx.

Back in the Courtroom, I tapped my gavel, attempting to shift my robe so that it hid my hickeys. "The Court has come to a decision." All of the fangirls in the back grabbed each others' hands and crossed their fingers. "In the case of James Potter… _straight."_ Fangirls squealed happily. "In the case of Remus Lupin… _straight._" More squeals. "In the case of Sirius Black… _straight._ God save your soul." The room was almost deafened in the joyous screaming. He'd better be waiting in my chambers after this to—ah—_personally_ thank me. Heh heh. "This case is now closed. You are dismissed." I turned and left, heading to my chambers for a drink. God knows I needed it.

I sort of wonder if this is how McGonagall felt. Only, minus the shagging Sirius part. Yes, I checked in the Book.

Hell of a day, eh?


End file.
